The Emotional Roller Coaster of Material Survival
- Matt M.
- Apr 7
- 4 min read
In recent weeks, I have been on an emotional roller coaster of fear and peace in relation to my material life. On some mornings, I wake up and have fear that debt collectors will begin their aggressive process of obtaining money from me that I don't have. On other mornings, I wake up with such peace and confidence that my present material life is only temporary and that I will continue to be honest with my debt collectors. It's up to them to accept my reality or not.
Today, 04/07/2025, is not one of the days I woke up with peace and confidence haha. This morning I woke up early and began to stress about my material life. More so, I was stressed about not being able to pay my bill to the IRS tomorrow. My stress soon became fear and I realized that I need to meditate versus drown in the thoughts my mind was producing.
It was difficult to settle into my morning meditation. My mind was uncomfortable so then my body was uncomfortable. However, after a few minutes, I was able to settle into the guided meditation with more peace. I visualized my thoughts of stress and fear as people. I then surrounded myself with an energy field that would not allow these "people" to enter. My energy field visualization didn't remove these "people" from my existence, it simply didn't allow them access to my mind. After a few minutes, my mind began to settle in even more.
Then....boom! A thought from my past. I remembered my office at my last apartment in Colorado. I was excited to be here again. To sit in the chair at my desk and to have the autonomy of having my own space again. My excitement turned into sadness though. I started to think of what I don't have any longer instead of appreciating what I did have and what I currently do have. Essentially my meditation took one step forward and five steps back.
After the meditation, I went for a drive with Joy so we could go to our local reservoir. On the drive I felt a mixture of fear and peace. It was confusing, yet comforting. I felt my heart space communicating my feelings differently. Although my mind wanted to inundate my being with thoughts of fear, my heart was overriding these thoughts with peace. I began to think less and open up more.
As I continued to drive, I thought about some wisdom I recently experienced from a fellow meditation family member. I began to accept that although these debt collectors will utilize abusive and cold emotional tactics to obtain the money they don't actually need, that I was innocent in all of this. Let me clarify what I mean by using the word 'innocent'.
Ultimately, I am responsible and accountable for my financial obligations. I don't refute that. However, I do accept that I have done what I can to obtain a new job so that I can meet the expectations of my material life. Unfortunately, I just can't land a new job yet. That's the reality. I can't change that. It's outside of my control.
By the time Joy and I got to the reservoir, I felt better. I wasn't go through the normal thought patterns of anger and self-deprecation when I've been met with the survival fears of my material life. I felt alleviated from playing the "victim card". Not just because I put myself into this position, but because I have never really been a victim to life.
After our brief reservoir visit, I came home. I then started to discuss how I felt to my mom. As always, my mom dropped everything to hear me out. She's a world class human who should be nominated as a lead candidate to be a diplomat with people from other worlds. Anyway, I expressed how I felt. I expressed how emotionally exhausted I have become from the consistent state of financial survival that I have been experiencing for months now.
I got it off my chest and then my mom shared how she felt about selling her apartment. My mom said, "Everything just feels like it's at a stand still. So many people have viewed the apartment but it's just not moving forward". I responded to her by saying, "The person who will purchase your apartment will reveal themselves at the right moment. These things just take time.". I mentally stopped myself in this moment.
I internally sensed within myself, "Maybe you should practice what you preach, bro.". Well played my Higher-Self. With that, I ate a peanut butter sandwich. I then headed into my room to write my next podcast episode and this blog post.
This morning I needed to feel the fear of my material life and allow the peace of my innocence to come into my heart. I know that my life will change soon. How? I'll let you know when I get there haha
Thanks for reading and please enjoy your present moment!
Matt
