Walking through Self-doubt
- Matt M.
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
In the month of May I received a new job. It has provided me the gift of re-building my financial life and opened me to welcome new opportunities for growth.
This material relief has come at the perfect time so that I can not only continue to focus on my creative passions, but so I can address other aspects of my unconscious that require attention. This includes the fear I am still holding onto due to my self-doubt.
Self-doubt is one of my strongest emotional wounds. It has created a belief system within myself that I am simply not good enough or skilled enough to take on new or additional responsibilities with confidence.
In the last few weeks I have experienced events with my new job that felt like a thunderbolt was thrown from the heavens straight into my very being. What was the intention of this metaphorical thunderbolt? It was an emotional force of nature which assisted me as I continued walking through my self-doubt.
With that said, my new job is dog walking. It's a great opportunity to continue my path of working with animals and I also get to spend the majority of the day in nature. It's a fast paced job that requires a high level of attention to detail and the willingness to take on constructive feedback directly from clients.
During my first week of dog walking, I felt good. I liked how dynamic the schedule was. I also enjoyed that I could walk dogs and interact with new people throughout my day. However, by the second week I was struggling across almost all aspects of the job.
This struggle led to poor decision making. The poor decision making led to arriving late, or too early, to multiple appointments. My lack of time management led me to doubt myself greatly, which resulted in more mistakes manifesting in my external world.
On one particular day, I was falling behind again. Instead of stopping, feeling, thinking and acting...I was only reacting. This form of reaction ultimately led to two clients complaining about my performance in the same day.
I followed up with my boss and owned the mistakes that I made. In our discussion my boss explained that "due diligence" was required in order to successfully take on this job. That each dog should be treated as my own. That if I have challenges with the schedule, to alert her the night before so it can be smoothed out before the next day begins.
The constructive feedback of "due diligence" was the thunderbolt that struck me at a deeper level of my unconscious. The day after these discussions, I was afraid at a visceral level. I did briefly think that I would lose my job. However, my concern for material survival was not the primary objective of the deep sense of fear that I was feeling. The primary objective of the fear was to help me address my self-doubt.
The next day I had off from work. Originally I planned to work on a numbers of tasks regarding my website, podcast and blog. However, I decided to put all of it on hold. I wasn't in the right headspace to complete these tasks. I just needed to be with my fear for the day because it was not only providing me guidance, but also beginning to purge out of my energetic system.
As the weekend passed, I went back to work and so did my fear. It hung on me like a cold wet blanket that set up permanent residence on my back. I was so uncomfortable throughout my work day. My confidence was in shambles.
As the week continued, I suppressed the fear so that I could focus on my job. It's an old mental and emotional conditioning of my beingness that I'm unconsciously comfortable with in times of heightened fear. However, my Higher Self and guides gently reminded me during and after meditation that I needed to embrace my emotions, not reject them. Especially the emotions that I would label as "bad".
With this understanding I had to come back to the thunderbolt of "due diligence" and ask myself some questions. For example:
"Why am I receiving this feedback at this point in my life?"
"What is my fear trying to tell me?"
"What is the source of my fear?"
"Why do I fear being diligent?"
These questions would serve as entry points for my inner-self investigation. I came to realize that my fear of being diligent was because I did not have the self-confidence in myself or my skills. At times throughout my life, when new or additional responsibilities are available to me, I have found a great deal of internal resistance which manifests as physical, mental and emotional stress and/or anxiety. I then unconsciously convince myself that my internal resistance is preventing me from wanting to step outside my comfort zone, or what I also like to call my "Illusion of Safety".
Although this realization wasn't a revelation to me, it allowed me to understand my current experience in a couple of ways. First, I had to embrace this depth of fear just as the emotion itself, not with attaching stories or thought patterns to it. If I attached stories or thought patterns to this fear, I would only create an internal cycle that would stunt the healing process.
Second, I was experiencing this depth of fear at this time in my life because this is the moment when I am ready to integrate and release my self-doubt. By integrating and releasing my self-doubt, I will open my heart to new opportunities and abundance of all kinds.
Through meditation, my inner-self investigation started to bring me a great deal of peace during my work week. I felt my fear starting to diminish. I felt my self-confidence reminding me of what I have accomplished in life, what I am capable of, that I'm exactly where I need to be and that I am not alone.
As a result of this, I took on a few practices during my work week to ensure the momentum of healing would continue to amplify in a steady manner. I recited affirmations, including:
I invite and welcome abundance of self-acceptance, self-confidence, self-worth and self-love into my heart.
I surrender and release self-doubt from my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual bodies of my human being-ness.
I am good enough. I am skilled enough.
I also took time to breathe deeply in and breathe deeply out as soon as I felt any fear starting to creep into my mind. During some of the dog walks, I would be breathing deeply for up to 30 minutes.
Additionally, I took the time each evening to map out my walks the next day. If I ran into any scheduling conflicts, I followed up with management to help me sort it out to ensure I arrived on time for each of the clients. I took the time to embrace being diligent.
In a way, I feel that I am re-conditioning my being-ness to align with the capability of my true-self. By doing so, I feel more willing to step out of my comfort zone again. The rocky start to my current job was challenging but universally aligned to further me along my path of life.
Meditation, Creativity, Nature and Vulnerability. These are the fundamentals that are becoming part of my being as I continue to re-condition myself throughout my experience of life. The end of May was challenging, but equally rewarding. I am looking forward to experiencing what June has to offer.
Thanks for reading!
Matt
