My Phoenix Story - Part 3 - Conclusion
- Matt M.
- Mar 23
- 12 min read
Updated: Jun 5
In January of 2023, I was in good shape mentally and emotionally. A majority of the self-imposed pressure that clandestine agencies were following me had left my existence. A layer of fear was purging out of my system in rapid fashion. I felt an immense amount of relief as each day passed.
By February of 2023, I was brought back to my material reality. At this point I realized I had spent the last of my life savings so I needed to find a job to pay my bills. The next month I found a part-time job that allowed me the financial stability to pay my bills while I figured out where I wanted to take my life.
Before continuing my 2023 experience, I need to go back to 2022 for a moment. While publishing episodes for my first podcast (Station 19), I decided to share smaller pieces of information with my professional network. My goal was to show my colleagues what was available to our world based on the research I conducted.
Unfortunately, I expected to receive support from my colleagues as my posts went live but I didn't. It was radio silent. No "likes" or "comments" for my posts. Just digital silence. After posting a number of times I felt embarrassed with the lack of response I saw. I then decided to abandon my professional network by deleting my account.
Over a year later, in August of 2023, I built up the courage to re-establish myself with my professional network. I rebuilt my profile and reconnected with colleagues who I truly resonated with throughout my career. I requested recommendations from them and many people were excited to write one for me. The self-sabotaging fear I imposed on myself in 2022 began to slip away. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the warm support I received.
After a handful of weeks catching up with past colleagues and re-establishing my network, I focused on finding work related to my original profession of digital project management. I applied to full-time, part-time, contract and temporary positions to increase the probability of finding a new job.
The initial challenge that I faced while applying to jobs was that the market I re-entered was over saturated due to a significant number of lay offs occurring across the country. Available positions on the platforms I used to find jobs were swarmed by candidates also looking for work. Additionally, I had a career gap of almost two years at this point in my life. Regardless of these challenges, I put my head down and continued to fervently fill out applications.
Over time, I became frustrated and disappointed with the job application process I was experiencing. I made all of this great effort to re-establish my professional network but I couldn't move a figurative inch towards a lead for a new job. I was stuck. I refused to accept that I was stuck so I continued to force an opportunity to present itself by continuing to apply to every job that I could. I spent hours applying to jobs with no progress. Actually. I did make some progress. I progressively increased my own frustrated state of being.
This state of being was destructive and only made my life more difficult. Eventually, I had to surrender to the reality that this time in my life was not meant for me to have a full-time job. It was meant for me to do more mental, emotional and spiritual work within myself. I had to allow myself to access deeper aspects of patience. I had to adapt my short-term goals, my long-term goals and reset my life expectations to having no expectations.
As I worked on accepting and surrendering to my present situation, the fall of 2023 was gearing up for a beautiful season. During this fall, I was guided to join a meditation workshop. Due to the experience I had in October of 2022 I was initially wary about attending another workshop or conference.
Nonetheless, I knew that the person leading the workshop was not like anyone I had experienced before. This person is also associated with three authors that I highly respect. All four of these people have a profound level of integrity, compassion and honor for all forms of consciousness.
However, there was this little metaphorical voice inside me saying, "Don't do it! You're going to be hurt again. Don't fall for the trap!". I don't blame that metaphorical voice for screaming those ideas. The pain I felt in October of 2022 hurt me greatly but then I remembered, that hurt was necessary in order for me to grow.
I then decided to approach this metaphorical voice's warning with compassion. This voice was simply a remnant of the fear that previously ruled my life. I acknowledged the thoughts I was experiencing in that moment. I thanked myself for defending myself and made peace that I was going to follow what my heart was telling me to do, which was to attend the workshop without fear.
And what do you know, the workshop was excellent! Life changing excellent. The teacher's intention with the workshop was to teach us meditative methodologies that promote healing, integrating and evolving our inner-selves. Additionally, the teacher expressed that once we learned these methodologies, it was up to us to use them. That is the sign of a true teacher.
Through the love I felt, the synchronicitys I experienced and the wisdom this teacher provided, I felt confident that I was in great hands. I then decided to join this teacher's next workshop the following month. 'Phase 3' of my healing just took a turn for the best.
As the holiday season of 2023 came and went, I moved into the new year with hope. I was not aware of it at the time but 2024 would become one of the most important years of my life. This new year would provide me an experience that would create the bridge I needed to further access my inner-self. I would take a journey to the most wounded parts of my being by experiencing what is known as "The Shamanic Death".
By April of 2024, I had relieved some of the pressure I felt about finding a full-time job with my previous profession. In this month, I experienced a job opportunity that felt perfect for me. This job was part of an industry that I am truly passionate about, it also included me moving back to Colorado. I was excited and I applied right away....but I was too excited, and a bit arrogant. I impulsively took out a high interest personal loan to cover moving costs back to Colorado without even making it to the first round of interviews.
It was about a week later that I found out I would not be extended an opportunity to interview for the position even after some initial good feedback regarding my qualifications. I felt punched in the gut. Not by the potential employer but punched in the gut by myself. A tornado of blame, shame and guilt fell over me. My frustration with life and living in New York started to calcify into resentment.
This was a hard hit for me but I owned it as best as I could and carried on. At least now I had extra cash to take care of some my material responsibilities and could help out a bit more at home. However, the resentment that I felt in April of 2024 could not just be shut off. I may have convinced myself that I accepted my situation but this resentment would linger.
From April through August the world around me became intense. Everything felt so uncertain, discordant and complacent. I did my best to be grounded but my unresolved resentment, lifelong emotional wounds and surrounding societal conditions would eventually wear me down.
September of 2024. In this month, I was visited by two of my oldest emotional friends, "Betrayal" and "Disrespect". I had not seen them since July of 2021 when I abandoned my last full-time job so I suppose they missed me.
During their latest visit, they decided to take a velvet hammer and drive it straight into my Solar Plexus. I responded to their emotional assault with the unconscious tools that I had at my disposal. I abandoned and isolated myself to avoid being hurt further. However, "Betrayal" and "Disrespect" did not come back into my life to actually hurt me. They came back into my life with such force to guide me to experience the process known as "The Shamanic Death".
Let's pause here for a moment. Some of you might be asking, what is "The Shamanic Death"? Fair question. This spiritual process of transformation is also known as the "dark night of the soul". The Shamanic Death terminology resonates with me so that's why I'm utilizing it. However, please note that I am not claiming to be a Shaman. I'm not. I'm Matt. I just prefer this form of terminology when I communicate my experience.
In an article titled, "The Shamanic Death: A Journey of Ego Death, Rebirth, and Spiritual Awakening", Pablo Leon from InnerSparkLife.com defines this spiritual process, he writes:
"The shamanic death is a profound moment of spiritual transformation. Often misunderstood as a literal death, this experience is actually an “ego death”—the shedding of parts of our identity that no longer serve us."
Leon continues his explanation of "The Shamanic Death" by writing:
"Unlike a physical death, the shamanic death involves the dissolution of limiting beliefs, fears, and attachments to the ego. It’s a process where the lower aspects of our selves—those tied to insecurity, comfort zones, or material attachments—are metaphorically “claimed” by spiritual forces."
The experience of The Shamanic Death would allow me to begin the process of reviewing, integrating and releasing the unconscious thought patterns, habits and beliefs systems that were created due to the emotional wounds I incurred in this lifetime.
Realistically, I had no idea I was experiencing a Shamanic Death when "Betrayal" and "Disrespect" decided to stop by in 2024. I was so consumed by my emotions that I was not sure which way was up. However, my teachers compassionately guided me towards this understanding. With this understanding now available to my conscious mind, I knew I needed to reverse engineer myself again. To do this I asked myself a question which was: "Why do I respond to 'betrayal' and 'disrespect' with abandonment?"
Consciously, I was still so raw from this moment of my life that I was not ready to address this question fully. I needed time to process my current situation more and ground my energy from what just transpired.
After a few weeks, and a lot of meditation as well as nature walks, I revisited my fear related to 'betrayal' and 'disrespect'. In both July of 2021 and September of 2024, I was afraid that I was not being accepted for who I am, what I am and what I stand for. This is my Primal Fear.
This primal fear has been the heaviest emotional wound I have carried with me my entire life. Think of it like the Greek god Atlas who was forced to hold the world on his shoulders. Energetically I held this primal fear up for so long that it became my nature to hold it up. This Primal Fear prevented me from embracing my true self.
So. What causes a primal fear like this to be created within myself, or in anyone for that matter? The answer is simply stated but not simply experienced, it is Trauma which causes this type of primal fear to manifest. For me, I have always felt like an Outsider and/or not good enough. This was due to a few factors. How I was raised, the environment that I grew up in and the limiting societal belief systems I was surrounded by.
Now. I want to clarify. I am not expressing that my childhood was a complete travesty or the neighborhoods I lived in were war zones. However, I do acknowledge that I did not have it easy and experienced more trauma then I should have at such a young age. Conversely, my childhood and the neighborhoods that I grew up in had a wonderful impact on my life. Maybe in the future I'll do an episode to express those experiences.
Lastly, I mentioned that limiting societal belief systems contributed to the creation of my primal fear. In parallel to this reality, I also see these limiting societal belief systems as a necessary stepping stone for my evolution. As well as our planetary civilization's evolution. I hope that properly illustrates my intentions and understandings to you.
By December of 2024, I was sick for two weeks with a nasty virus. Late 2024 was an emotionally tumultuous time for me and a massive period of spiritual growth so I needed to rest. With that said, I fell out of my daily meditation practice entirely. I decided that I would get back into my practice in the new year.
By January 2025 I brought myself back to my practice but I was met with a great deal of internal resistance. Over the course of the month I submitted to the resistance. Please note that I did not surrender the resistance, I actually submitted to it. I wasn't keeping up my end of the spiritual bargain when it comes to spiritual growth.
By doing so I stopped my daily practices again. I stopped being creative. My energy reservoir went down and life just felt more difficult but perceptively easier because I had my material comforts to distract me. However, there was this feeling behind the scenes that the familiar place of complacency that I was experiencing was part of a "Big Picture". I was being guided to center my focus around Believing in myself, Trusting the process, having Hope for myself, holding Faith and ultimately moving into a place of Unconditional Love.
Believe. Trust. Hope. Faith. Love. It's easy to say out loud but to experience as a state of nature requires work. Work I wasn't doing. So why was I here again? Why I was I stuck again? Why was I allowing my primal fear to hold me back from doing something I love? My dreams, my meditations and my thoughts were flooded in January with seeking to have power over my old emotional friends, "Betrayal" and "Disrespect".
I was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted again. Furthermore, I was exhausted of my character's attachment to the unconscious thought patterns, habits and beliefs systems which were ruling my life. I felt like I was having a spiritual fever and the more consumed I became with the irrational stories that I attached to my heightened emotional state, the stronger the fever became.
The only way I could break the fever was to identify the source of my self-destructive pattern and surrender it. I needed to accept my past and embrace only what was real, the present moment. I needed to acknowledge that my self-abandonment was directly tied to my Primal Fear. That my self-abandonment and Primal Fear are mine, but they are not me. That I have the power to integrate my self-abandonment and Primal Fear into my being.
One day in February I wrote the following in my journal: "I'm ready to let go of my primal fear and emotional wounds that are limiting my life. I am ready to know my self-worth and self-love so that I can connect to my true-self. To live the reality of my heart and not that of what was projected on to me by others or projected by my own character.".
My willingness to surrender my primal fear and emotional wounds became a new gateway. This allowed me to release what no longer serves me and continue the path of self-realization. It was a powerful month.
In the first episode of this show, titled "Introduction & My Intention", I said: "I came to the realization that I have gone through my own Phoenix experience since I came back to my hometown in September of 2022.". And that statement was true. However, a Phoenix will experience the cycle of renewal and rebirth multiple times within it's own life. The same is true for my life and every human on this planet.
It took me almost six months to publish a new podcast episode and it was because I needed to go through my greatest Phoenix experience to date, The Shamanic Death. I feel relieved. I feel lighter. I am grateful.
Is the process of the Shamanic Death over? I believe so. However, I also believe that I'm still processing how to live in this lighter mental, emotional and spiritual space. That will take time and work.
So what am I doing with my life as I process these lighter aspects of myself? Another fair question. The answer is that I am surrendering to the unknown. I am not seeking to control my external world. For example, I have diminished searching for a job almost entirely.
Please note that I said "almost". I am not pretending that I am now some enlightened being who no longer requires to put attention to his financial responsibilities. Papa still needs to pay his bills. Nonetheless, I am focused on writing. It is one of my greatest passions so I am going to see where it could take me.
Lastly, I have been thinking for months about how I would conclude this series of episodes. Each time I thought about it, I was met with two ideas. First, I thought about how I would communicate my gratitude. Naturally, I thought of all the people who have loved and supported me unconditionally throughout my life. I created a list of names that I would mention in this episode to celebrate them. However, I then realized my gratitude was not limited to a list of people who love me unconditionally. That realistically, my gratitude extends to every single person who I've interacted with throughout my 38 years on this planet. That regardless of how a person treated me, they taught me something about myself. So I say from the entirety of my heart, thank you. Thank you for being a part of my journey, helping me begin to access my true self and allowing me to be a part of your journey.
The second idea centers around the reality that our human race is going through a collective Phoenix experience. We are being forced to address aspects of ourselves that have remained suppressed not just hundreds of years, but thousands. It's a delicate time for our planetary civilization. Please have compassion and patience for yourself.
My Phoenix Story isn't over. It'll continue. So will yours. We're in this together. It's an honor to be on Earth with you during this time of evolution for our human race.
Thank you for reading and enjoy your present moment!
Matt
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