From Fear to Awakening
- Matt M.
- Jan 5
- 5 min read
A Journey Through the Shadows of the Mind
In late December, I had a dream that brought up additional layers of my unconscious that were ready to be released. It has taken a couple of weeks to fully process this particular dream. Certain events in my life needed to occur in the "real world" so that I could fully contextualize what my guides were trying to assist me with.
At the beginning of the dream, I found myself sitting at a cafe in a small town. It was a very active area. The people that I witnessed in my surroundings were enjoying a happy and fulfilling life. As I briefly observed their happiness, I couldn't take in the positivity around me as I was in a significant state of fear.
I knew that I needed to keep changing my location in this town so that I didn't blow my cover. I knew I was being watched and I needed to keep up the appearance of my allegiance to those I worked for. I moved from the cafe to another location in the town and then another.
Then I saw a local football game being broadcasted live. I went over to the game to watch and thought: "If they see me on camera, they'll know I wasn't lying about being in town when I said I would be.".
After this thought, one of the players of the home team scored a touchdown. I jumped at the opportunity to get on camera and hopped the fence to celebrate with the player. My plan executed perfectly. I felt a small tinge of safety with this tactic.
Once I was satisfied that I was captured live on T.V., I started heading back to the compound where I lived and worked. This compound was run by a leader who had a cult like following with the people he collected. The people of this group represented hate in various forms. I did not fit in here but somehow this was my life.
Walking throughout the compound included a tour of the disgraceful behavior that occurred. Drugs, guns, sexism and racism were as normal as breathing air. I learned quickly during my stay to keep quiet and keep my head down. The less attention I drew to myself, the less likely I would be asked to partake in such offensive behavior.
I then arrived at a building that I was allow access to due to the work I did for the compound. Before entering I had to walk past the Security Guard. This individual was bad news. His viciousness was well known at the compound so he was not someone I wanted to upset.
Thankfully for me, he thought I was less then dirt and knew my skills were wanted by the leader so I didn't receive any grief from him as I entered the building.
Once inside the building, I was at my laptop. I downloaded a great deal of digital evidence that would be the "smoking gun" the FBI needed to arrest the leader and shutdown this compound. I began to draft a message to my point of contact in the FBI. Now I was beginning to panic.
I began to sense a shift in energy in the hallway outside of the room I was in. Although I wanted to send this message, I had to accept that I had the evidence necessary and leaving now would be the safest option.
I felt the pressure increase within my being. Someone in the building knew something was wrong. That a person had accessed files they shouldn't have. Thankfully, the Security Guard wasn't smart enough to know it was me so I had time to escape.
I headed down a windowless and door-less hallway. The walls were wood panels that went high to the ceiling. I knew this hallway well and that's when my fear began to increase significantly. This hallway only had one exit so my only option was to get out quickly and quietly.
...The Security Guard and his gang were gaining ground on me. My panic increased.
I couldn't put my laptop and cord into my bag fast enough. I held them tight to my body and began to increase my pace. I couldn't run, that would bring too much attention to me so I needed to walk efficiently.
I made it to the door at the end of the long hallway. I got outside. I could hear the dumb Security Guard still perplexed about what was going on. I began to walk even faster. Then I made it out of the compound. My panic was high. I felt only danger and the desperate need to survive.
Then I saw a street with a number of shops on it. I briefly felt salvation come over me but my survival fear quickly washed that relief away. I thought:
"If the leader or his security guard find out it was me, they won't kill me...they will keep me alive so I can be put through incomprehensible pain."
I continued down the street and saw the location that my FBI contact and I agreed upon. It was a fast food burger joint. I could see local, county and state cops in the parking lot as well as within the building itself. I quickly passed them and entered.
When I entered I saw my FBI contact. I sat down still in a panic. My FBI contact had an individual next to him that I did not recognize, I went into defense mode and wanted to know who he was. My contact remained calm, accepted the laptop that held the evidence and said nothing. My anxiety and fear peaked at his lack of response. I said:
"I risked my life for this evidence! I need assurances right now that I will be protected. The leader can find me. We need to leave the state immediately. I need witness protection!"
My panic was met with more calmness and silence. The silence was so deafening that the wisdom my FBI contact and his partner were guiding me towards was clear. My panic was reactionary and not observing the bigger picture. This burger joint was covered in law enforcement. My arrival was pre-ordained. My FBI contact would not have gone to all of this trouble if he knew I would not have made it.
With this understanding, I FINALLY began to calm down. Then I woke up.
Coming out of this dream was rough. I could still feel intense survival fear from the dream. It's been awhile since I felt so impacted by this kind of dream and energy. That morning I went into meditation to better understand why I would be presented with such a dream.
I was provided the insight that the intense fear I felt after waking up was the energy associated with deeper levels of my unconscious. Specifically the compartments of my unconscious which included:
Fearing irrational persecution from others regarding who I am.
Survival Fear
Not trusting my guides regarding my safety and journey.
Needing validation and perceived rewards because I feel that I'm owed for the work that I've completed thus far in life.
I would carry this dream with me for almost two weeks. Throughout this period, different life experiences would allow me to unpack it further. As I allowed myself to further see my Shadow, I allowed myself to integrate these aspects within the totality of my being.
I have felt waves of tremendous relief by honest, and some times reluctantly, looking at the aspects of myself that I am not proud of. As someone once told me, "We do not run away from what we are afraid of, we run into the fear."
Thanks for reading and please enjoy your present moment!
Matt
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