My Phoenix Story - Part 2

New year's day has always been one of my favorite holidays. I see this day as an opportunity to set the tone for the rest of the year. Typically, this day has been quiet in every town that I have lived in. More people collectively have the day off so there isn't as much activity on the streets. Starting the new year with ease and stillness in the neighborhood is a beautiful thing.

2022 felt more promising then any other year in my life. Primarily because I was living my life without the pressures of a day job. I consciously decided to make no plans for 2022. I was simply going to see where the flow of life took me and figure it out as I went.

By the end of the winter, I decided to take down my podcast, Station 19. I felt deep insecurities of judgement and shame with the content I shared. Due to this, my isolation continued to spiral. This was necessary as this spiral led me closer to my unconscious self, where my deepest traumas took residence.

However, I had an understanding while I was balancing my insecurities. The understanding was that the topics I was sharing were highly polarizing. Spiritual experiences, UFOs and the supernatural are still taboo in our country. I wanted to be validated for my work but I couldn't because of the polarization of these topics and some of my perspectives weren't based in reality. For example, conspiracy theories. More on that shortly.

Around the time I took down my podcast, I was also approaching another life changing decision in my life. This decision was centered around my addiction to recreational marijuana. I am no stranger to addiction and have released a great deal of vices throughout my life. I knew the signs of needing to let go of this vice. I was embarking on releasing another major addiction from my life.

Some of the "research" I was into plus my heavy usage of recreational marijuana was a bad combination for my life. My foggy and confused mind was easy prey to the people who promote, create and distribute conspiracy theories.

Please understand that I stand by every word I wrote for my first podcast, and my spiritual experiences were real. The challenge I was now faced with was to accept that my marijuana usage prevented me from going deeper into healing my traumas and focusing on my spiritual development.

One day in March of 2022, I drove my to local dispensary. I convinced myself, while knowing that I was convincing myself, that I deserved to buy some marijuana infused gummies. I purchased what I convinced myself was a "treat" and headed home. Before I took part in the gummies, I decided to make sure Joy had some park time as I would be mentally unavailable to her later that evening. Note: It broke my heart to write that sentence but it's sadly true.

Once Joy and I were back in the apartment, I began getting myself ready for the marijuana experience. I took the container of gummies, broke the seal and then froze. I stared into that container for about 20 minutes. I identified that my uncertainly to have a gummy was my answer to what next step I needed to take. Nonetheless, I still tried to convince myself that I "deserved" to have the gummies. 30 minutes passed. 45 minutes passed. I'm still holding the container, deciding whether or not I'm going to have them.

I have been down this road before. This indecision is a conflict between my ego and my intuition. Egoicly, I want to be comfortable and I'll tell myself stories to justify that comfort. Intuitionally, I know that I need to move on from this habit in order to become more. During this moment of indecision, clarity arrived and I allowed my intuition to drive. I walked into my bathroom, lifted the toilet seat, dump the gummies into the toilet and then flushed them away. I just freed myself from suffering. I then took Joy to the park again because that's what we both deserved.

Letting go of marijuana was an incredible milestone to achieve only three months into the new year. I can absolutely say that my quantum hypnosis sessions contributed to this release so that I was set up for success regarding what was to come throughout this year.

As the weeks passed from March into April, my head became more clear. A big weight had been lifted. I was grateful to see and feel with more clarity. Also, April is my birthday month. Traditionally, I have always been very simple with my birthday. Parties and tons of material presents aren't my thing.

For this birthday, my mom sent me a card. Within the card my mom wrote, "You can always come home". I held onto that in my mind and heart even though my ego was still convinced that I would never go home. My mom and key family members knew I was going through a difficult time as I was sorting out what I was experiencing. However, they always had this incredible way of not pushing me unless there was only an absolute need. I'm a lucky guy.

During April, I also received a gift from the management company of my apartment building. The gift was that my rent was going up $450 per month. My mom's birthday card and this rent increase solidified that I would be moving out by the end of my lease. Both of these events occurred so that I could start the process of saying "so long" to Colorado.

May and June were months that I took advantage of traveling around Colorado. Revisiting where I adopted Joy, savoring every beautiful moment at the horse rescue that changed my life, visiting some of my favorite mountains, eating some of my favorite breakfast burritos and overall, providing gratitude for the 6 years I had in Colorado.

Before going any further I want to express my feelings towards Colorado. Colorado was where I needed to go in order to evolve. It was truly one of the best times of my life and I will always have a special place in my heart for that beautiful state.

June of 2022. It was a great month of travel. I went to New Mexico to visit a national park named Chaco Canyon. Unfortunately, June was also difficult. The combination of decades worth of trauma, heavy marijuana usage and conspiracy theories left some serious damage. That damage included that I was convinced I was being followed by helicopters and "agents" of various types. I had this feeling consciously because I felt that the research I was doing went against an agenda of people who "control" the world.

My paranoia bled deep into my mind and contributed to my world view being severely compromised. I began to distrust people I knew in Colorado for years, believed my phone was being tapped and infrastructure related projects were most likely clandestine operations. These are a few examples of how my mind was impacted during this time of my life.

What amplified this paranoia was the hundreds of people who claim to be "researchers" of these theories. Some of these researchers practically boast that they are "being followed" or that helicopters are surveilling their homes or that their phones are compromised in some way. At times it felt like they presented it as some kind of right of passage. This was not helpful to my mind. It prevented me from fully enjoying life as I lived in a state of fear. Wondering if someone was out to get me or if Joy was safe.

My mind being free of marijuana led to a significant increase in these types of thoughts. Not because I was becoming mentally unstable, but because these types of thoughts started the process of purging from my mental, emotional and spiritual systems. It needed to get worse before it got better.

That being said, this state of paranoia persisted as 2022 continued. By July of 2022, I was reaching the end of my lease. Before my lease was up, I had one more conference to attend in Mount Shasta, California. Joy and I hit the road and we were able to embark on a journey that I will remember for the rest of my life.

For this trip, I had to focus on fun. The paranoid thoughts in my mind were stories I created and not supported by actual fact. If I were truly in danger then something would have happened to me already. This wasn't the greatest positioning to have in my mind but it allowed me to enter a space of safety so that I can enjoy this trip with Joy.

We drove through Colorado then Wyoming then Utah then Nevada and made it to beautiful northern California. I was in awe of the road trip the entire time. I would pull over and just enjoy the view of whatever state we were in. Joy and I would run along the rivers. I'd have the windows down in the Jeep and we both would have our heads out the windows. We'd visit small towns just because we could. It's safe to say, Joy and I know how to road trip. Paranoia wasn't getting in my way this week, I was focused on having an adventure. Someday I will share my Mount Shasta trip with you. This series of episodes isn't the place for that story at this time.

On the return trip from California to Colorado, Joy and I took part in the same lifestyle..one of adventure. I knew I needed to soak it in and be present because once I was back in Colorado, I'd be back on the road only two weeks later.

Another key aspect of 2022 for me was the physical letting go of my material life. I was purging it throughout 2021 and 2022. It was a literal and metaphorical process. I was letting go of items that tied me to my past. As I did, I would look at a material item, thank it for it's time in my life and then release it. It sounds like an odd practice but I felt honored by releasing my material life in this way.

By the third week of July, 90% of my material life was completely gone. My apartment was empty. I had a number of storage containers that would make the trip with Joy and I. As the summer of 2022 progressed, I would also let go of the items in these containers.

The third week of July was a week sooner then I needed to leave my apartment. My paranoia was creeping in hard and I felt that it was urgent that I leave Colorado as fast as possible.

It's important to note another understanding I had about myself at this point in my life. My paranoia was my affliction. I would not allow my perceptions to impact anyone negatively, at least not intentionally. I never projected my state of mind on others even the people I felt I could no longer "trust". It wasn't there fault that I was experiencing this state of mind so it wouldn't be fair to approach them in a disrespectful way. It's not who I am at my core. My intentions have been genuine and considerate throughout my life. I will never relinquish this understanding about myself.

Before leaving Colorado, I canceled my last therapist appointment, left the horse rescue without properly saying goodbye and released the last few items of my material life. Then I picked East as the direction I was going to drive in and I hit the road.

I just drove for hours. Listening to music, thinking about life and enjoying the view. The first state line I crossed on the journey back East was from Colorado into Kansas. I absolutely love driving through Kansas. It's straight, simple and has some beautiful small towns to visit.

For the remaining weeks of July, I would drive through Kansas as well as a fair amount of the south. I kept in contact with my family. I knew that they were worried so I didn't want to leave them hanging but I also knew I needed to live this lifestyle even if I didn't know why.

I spent all of August in North Carolina. I drove to the Outer Banks and then back west within the state. I was all over that state just following my intuition and the synchronicities that were presented to me. By the last week of August I was guided to Raleigh, North Carolina.

This was a culture shock as I hadn't been in an East coast urban and/or suburban environment for quite some time. The east cost has it's own energy to it. It's very different then the western states and it can be a shock to the energetic system without being eased back into it.

Ultimately, I came to understand that Raleigh was my introduction back into the fast-paced world of the east coast. It would give me the grounding I needed to go back home to New York. As I traveled up the east coast, I tried convincing myself that I would only be staying at my mom's place for no more then two or three weeks.

I knew deep down I wasn't going anywhere. New York was my destination. My childhood home was the location I needed to be in order to begin a profound two year process of healing trauma that I call 'Phase 3'.

I consider my life to be broken into three phases so far. 'Phase 1' includes the day I was born through the first 30 years of life I lived in New York. 'Phase 2' was from April 2016 through July of 2022 in Colorado. 'Phase 3' is being back in New York as of September of 2022 through my present day.

By being back in my childhood home, I have been able to access depths of myself that I unconsciously stored away as a child. 'Phase 3' has been, is and will be an intense, yet profound, phase of healing in my life.

When I finally arrived back to my childhood home in 2022, I was exhausted from being on the road and exhausted emotionally. I started to do the rounds and meet with old family and friends who I haven't seen in some time.

I remained reserved with sharing the depths of my experience with others. I couldn't explain to most people that I thought I was being followed. But I could share the good experiences. The inspiration and hope I felt by letting go of the pressures of a material life, the healing that had transpired to date and the freedom I felt by allowing myself to be vulnerable with others. My mind was having challenges but it didn't quiet my heart. My heart has always been strong and even stronger when I need it the most.

In September of 2022, I ended up mentioning to a number of family members that I was likely being monitored by "agencies" because of the information I "uncovered". This was important for me to share out loud. Not only because I was met with unconditional love by my family members but because it allowed me to start the process of deconstructing my paranoid mental prison. It also allowed me to start taking the path to understanding why I built this prison.

October of 2022, another flashpoint. A really hard, yet necessary, flashpoint. During this month I was scheduled to go down to Florida for a conference. This particular conference was one that I was very much looking forward to as it would include key speakers that I wanted to experience in person for some time.

I invited my mom to come down to Florida with Joy and I. I figured it would be nice to go to Florida as a mother and son. My mom took a plane, Joy and I naturally took a road trip in my Jeep. It was a beautiful drive to Florida. The geography of each state we drove through had it's own character to it. I really enjoyed driving through Georgia because of the palm trees. It felt like Georgia gently introduced us into Florida by having those palm trees on the highway - I digress.

Now in Florida, I'm gearing up for the conference. My paranoia now felt empowered because I was going to attend a conference with the "researchers" I have come to trust. You know, the trustworthy researchers who have "secret" knowledge and the "answers" to my philosophical questions. However, spirit and my guides had their own agenda for this trip to Florida. One that required me to face a reality I had a feeling about, but never wanted to surrender to.

During the first day of the conference, I felt out of place. Even though fellow audience members were kind and the event staff were professional, I just felt out of place. I decided to sit in the back of the conference as I wasn't at a concert and didn't require to be up front at this point in my life. Then the show started.

The event organizer spoke before the conference officially started. This person expressed that they were aware of the various government agency representatives that were in attendance, wearing plain clothes and monitoring what was being said as well as the people listening to it. I could see audience members looking around with belief in this person's statement. I said to myself, "They shouldn't have said something like that to vulnerable people. This doesn't feel right to me.".

Then the lights went out and the first speaker was being presented. "Presented" is the best word to express how these speakers were brought on stage. Throughout the conference each speaker would walk from the back of the venue and down the aisle to a theme song as well as a light show. This didn't feel right to me either. This was theatrical, not spiritual.

As Day 1 progressed, I realized that the speakers weren't saying anything that they haven't said 1,000 times before. I rationalized that that by thinking, "Well, this is a new audience of people. They haven't heard it before.". Regardless of that rationalization, my doubt in this conference experience started to grow. Day 1 ends and I'm back to the rental for some rest.

Day 2 of the conference - Today was the day I was finally able to experience a researcher I held onto the longest. I watched their videos, I purchased their books, I took their courses and provided their information to others as if this person had the answer to everything.

Like Day 1, I took my seat in the back and waited for the presentation (well, show really) to begin. Once this speaker was on stage, I tried to enjoy what they were providing. I believe I even applauded as some point but it wasn't sincere.

Towards the end of their presentation, I realized like the other speakers, this person was providing the same narrative that I've seen for three years but with slightly tweaked points to make the story seem fresh. The deconstruction of my paranoia just had a building dropped on it. My veil of illusion was not only lifted but set on fire.

The intuitive feeling I had at the start of day 1 that this conference's intention doesn't feel right to me kept coming up in my mind. I was now faced with the reality that the last remaining researcher I held onto for so long was also part of the "Sales Team" that I needed to let go of. I was angry. I spent so much money on their books, webinars and courses. I spent so much money on multiple failed conference experiences that led to this exact result. And now it's happening again! I felt sick to my stomach.

Throughout the last year I had been letting go of so many researchers that I followed. During this time I had my suspicions with this speaker but rejected them because I wasn't ready to accept the truth. The truth was that I fell into a scam. This scam included allowing myself to surrender my unconscious traumas to an external source or person so that I didn't actually have to face them within. This scam profited off of my trauma. I allowed it and I also was taken advantage of. I was crushed.

In the evening of Day 2, I headed back to the vacation rental. I was welcomed by people who are the definition and embodiment of unconditional love. My mom and Joy. Having suggested my mom come down to Florida now made complete sense. I needed her there because I was hurting.

The conference was a three day event. The morning of Day 3, I arrived in the parking lot and just sat in the Jeep. I felt compelled not to go into the venue for the conference. I was angry with the idea of wasting more money on conferences that ended up being a facade. The conference speaker's thoughts, emotions and actions were based in ego, not a higher state of consciousness. I couldn't continue to subject myself to a group of people who's intentions weren't based in true integrity.

My decision was made. I was going back to the vacation rental and going to take my mom and Joy out in the world of Florida. We drove everywhere we could. Small towns, national parks, a 4x4 trail, major highways. It was great and therapeutic. I even was able to convince my mom to take a hike. However, that didn't last long because the amount of bugs on the trail were far too intense to enjoy the hike. That's swamp life for you.

By the evening we were back at the rental. I ordered some dinner for us and we watched a couple of movies before packing. The next day my mom was on a flight home and Joy and I were hitting the road. As I left Florida, I left a world of conspiracy behind me. I left the "Sales Team" behind me. What was ahead of me was opportunity. An opportunity to find individuals who provided integrity based practices. Individuals who wanted to teach the tools of healing to their students. This process would take time but it was exactly where I needed to go.

During the paranoia stage of my life, I surrendered myself to external sources and people to explain why I felt the way I did. By releasing the "Sales Team" and their narratives, I took back my power. I took back this power so that I can look within to heal my traumas. Please note that the "paranoia" didn't simply switch off. The integration of the wisdom and healing that came out of this awareness would take months. That's the process. Healing takes time.

With the "Sales Team" gone from my life I began to seek answers within. I began to ask new questions, such as: Why was it so easy to convince myself I was being followed by clandestine agencies? Why did I need to blame them for the trauma I experienced in my life? Why do I feel like such an outsider to the people around me? Why do I feel rejected by people around me? Why do I not have confidence in my skills and abilities? What occurred in my life that led me to ask all of these questions and to feel all of the questions?

2022 was rough, yet liberating. Heart breaking, yet filled with love. I was exhausted.

Both November and December were quiet. I know that was intentional by my guides. I needed the rest and I can definitely say that I earned it.

In Part 3 of My Phoenix Story, I share my experiences from 2023 through 2025. During this time, I experience a familiar behavioral pattern that would allow me to accept and begin to integrate the themes of my unconscious traumas.

Thanks for reading and enjoy your present moment!

Matt

http://planetphoenix.co/blog