Goodbye Guilt, Hello Self-forgiveness
- Matt M.
- Apr 4
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 5
March was a very transformative month. I, like many others, felt a visceral emotional upheaval occurring within myself. Towards the end of March, 'Guilt' decided to rise within me. As I felt this "Guilt", I would be reminded of memories from my past that were still attached to the energy and emotion of 'Guilt'. My mind began to drown in these thoughts, in these past memories. My latest Quantum Assignment was to focus on releasing my 'Guilt' more formally in meditation. That way, I can focus on my purpose and be creative more freely.
In my early to mid-twenties I was an isolated alcoholic. By 26, my drinking became so destructive that I would black out every weekend or holiday, lay on my couch, helpless and hopeless. It was one of the most difficult times in my life.
With this level of alcoholism combined with my deep rooted emotional wounds, my behavior while I was drinking also became destructive, deplorable and completely separate from my true-self.
The shame that manifested in me over the one to two years I was drinking heavily was unbearable so I buried it deep within my unconscious. This was the traditional defense mechanism I utilized to avoid addressing my shame and taking responsibility for the actions which created it. Eventually, I got sober. I then became an avid hiker. I then bought a Jeep. I then started a new job. I then moved to Colorado.
My life was transformed when I became sober. However, this transformation did not erase the shame I created within myself based on my behavior during my drinking days. This shame became a metaphorical viral infection which turned into a disease named 'Guilt'. Unknowingly, the 'Guilt' I lived with would eat away at me over time. Thankfully, my guides and our Universe had a plan in place. This plan would ensure that I would begin to chip away at the iceberg of 'Guilt' within myself. This would occur during my time living in Colorado as well as most recently living in New York. So almost 10 years.
Over the course of these 10 years, I had to come to confront my 'Guilt'. I then had to track the guilt back to the moments of shame that created it. I needed to re-live the past moments of how I mistreated people, myself and my surrounding environment. I needed to understand how 'Guilt' was used as a disciplinary tool and form of manipulation during my childhood.
However, I couldn't just think about 'Guilt'. I needed to release it from my life. In March, my teacher and friends provided guidance during one of our group discussions that resonated with me. The guidance was to surrender the self-imposed emotional crimes I committed in my past to my Higher-Self and the Universe during meditation. This wasn't a practice of my Higher Self and Guides taking my 'Guilt' from me. The practice I needed to complete in meditation had to be completed by myself. My Higher Self and my Guides would help but I needed to do the work.
Forgiveness was the work I needed to do in order to release my 'Guilt'. Not forgiveness from someone I hurt, but self-forgiveness. I needed to forgive myself and open that door so that my 'Guilt' could walk through it. Receiving forgiveness from someone outside of yourself is part of the process of releasing and healing 'Guilt', but it is not the key. You are the one who committed the figurative crime so you must be the one who forgives yourself. It's no one else's responsibility to forgive you. Self-forgiveness is an authentic action which leads to compassion for one's self and for the person, or being, they have hurt.
That being said, I settled into my meditation. I visualized the memories of my past that I felt the most shame about. I re-lived them to hold myself accountable. I re-lived them to understand the pain I caused others. At the end of each memory I said, "I'm sorry that I did this and caused you pain. It was not my intention and I hold myself accountable. I forgive myself and release the guilt from this memory to the Universe.".
By taking this approach I was indicating to my Higher Self and the Universe that I am ready to let go of my 'Guilt'. Am I completely healed now? No but I do feel a considerable weight off my chest. It has also helped me acknowledge how hard I have been on myself because of the 'Guilt' I have carried in my life. Although my actions during my drinking days were awful, I am not an awful person. I am not a deviant. I never have been.
I have an appreciation of the wisdom that shame has taught me. I have the opportunity of being a person that lives through Compassion, Integrity and Honor because I experienced myself at such low points earlier on in life. I don't dismiss my past actions in making my last statement. I simply don't allow my past actions to rule my present moment or my true-self any longer. It's time to live without 'Guilt'. I deserve that. You deserve that too.
Thank you for reading!
Matt
