Reconstructing Trust
- Matt M.
- Mar 24
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 5
Cambridge Dictionary defines the word 'Trust' as follows:
"to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable".
This perspective struck me as important as I read it. It also highlights my challenge with 'Trust'. Early in life I lost my ability to trust. People that I believed to be good or honest would take intentional and unintentional actions against me to ensure their own survival. I found myself being sacrificed for other people's material, mental and emotional comforts. I did not feel safe most of the time and this resulted in my own perceptions of needing to "survive".
Due to this I built energetic walls around my heart and mind at a very young. I would allow people to come close to the walls I built, but ultimately, none would be allowed to pass.
Unconsciously, these walls were built as a response to my perception of the dishonesty I experienced as a child. The survival based perspective I learned was: "People who say they love me, hurt me for their own benefit. Therefore, I cannot trust people.". This is how I have spent most of my life. However, these walls are beginning to break down in a significant way.
March was a month that I have reached deep within my unconscious-self and unearthed my false, yet understandable, perceptions regarding 'Trust'. I am working on accepting how I too used the manipulative behaviors I experienced as a child to ensure my own survival. That because of my actions, I hurt others. I need to accept this in order to move forward with my life and spiritual practices. So. What has the universe experientially provided to help me learn to trust without fear? No job and no money. My current state of unemployment is just what the universal doctor ordered to help heal my trust issues.
By having no job and no money I have to surrender my fear of survival. I have to open my heart to rely on my family and friends. I can learn that the people who love me ARE reliable and safe. That they want me to ask for help and expect nothing in return.
During one of my recent morning meditations, I was guided to revisit this theme of 'Trust'. At first I was met with survival fears generated by my Ego and Mind. I heard the classic statements of "How are you going to pay your bills?", "The IRS is going to get you!", "Your credit score is going to tank". These are some of the common Ego-ic thoughts that come to my Mind when I begin to think about the current state of my material life. However, this is where the surrender comes in. In this moment of the meditation, I had to surrender these thoughts. I had to trust I am exactly where I needed to be and experiencing this unemployment for a reason.
As I surrendered these thoughts of distraction, I was visited by a friend during the silent portion of my meditation. It was a simple and pleasant experience. I was wearing an outfit I typically used for working with horses. I was also in my favorite work coat. It's important to note that outside of the lessons I'm learning around Trust, I have also been working on other aspects of myself which are necessary in order to have authentic moments like this. I felt a lightness in our shared experience.
There was an acknowledgement of this lightness and then we were at a beach. We both were sitting and enjoying the view of the waves making their way up the shore. My friend then embraced my right arm and I embraced her left arm. It was an action taken without expectation. I then said to her:
Matt: Thank you for trusting me with this embrace.
Quantum Friend: Thank you for trusting me!
We said nothing else and just enjoyed each other's friendship as we watched the ocean. The experience was free of fear. It was free of expectation. Six months ago I wouldn't have been able to comfortably have this moment in meditation. The challenging experience of not having a job or money is allowing me to surrender aspects of myself so that I can trust in the process of life and know that love is safe.
Thank you for reading and enjoy your present moment!
Matt
Source(s)
