The Gift of Rejection

I started the path back to my previous career in August of 2023. Since that time I have submitted hundreds of applications for a full-time position. Out of all the applications I submitted, I've only had two initial interviews.

Recently I submitted an application for a job outside of New York. The job requirements were well within my skill set and the company would cover the costs of relocating me. I was excited to apply. Less then a day later, I received an email from the company expressing their interest in my application. This was great news.

As part of their hiring process, they requested that I review their platform and products to get a better sense of what they offered their customers. Also, I was asked to fill out a case study to showcase my skill set before they committed to interviewing me. These weren't abnormal requests and I was in communication with an actual human being so I took part in the exercises as requested.

I put in a full work day, 8 hours, to review their platform, products and fill out the case study. I wanted to be as dialed into their company as I could be. This was a good opportunity and I wanted them to know I valued that. I understood that I may not be the lead candidate because the role had been posted for some time, local talent would be prioritized over 'out of state' talent and I'm also coming up on 4 years since my last full-time position.

Nonetheless, the Human Resources representative got back to me in less then a week. They requested a phone interview to go over some foundational questions before the interview process would truly begin. Our call was positive, collaborative and transparent. I felt good about this. A few short days later the HR rep reached out to schedule a video interview to discuss the role more fully and to review company's hiring policies.

We met on a Monday. Coming out of the call I felt the energetic momentum starting to rise. Now I felt even better about this opportunity. I had so much hope that I could be finally moving out of New York and onto my next adventure. Then two weeks later, on a Friday, their automated system followed up with me. The email included the following statement:

"We wanted to let you know that, unfortunately, we’re not moving forward with the interview process right now.".

No feedback. Just automated ambiguity. I went to inquire what happened or if there was feedback I could utilize to strengthen my resume and interview skills as I continue to pursue other job opportunities. I then saw that the email they sent came from an inbox that is not monitored by the company, so I was met with a dead end.

Side note: I did find a way to reach out to the HR rep coordinating next steps with my application for the position. I sent them an email with my questions and have only received radio silence in return. At least I tried.

The next morning, Saturday, I woke up and saw that another company wouldn't be moving forward with my application. All the momentum I felt ramping up in March was now gone. Although I was really bummed, I felt slightly different about this disappointment. I felt my being-ness leaning towards seeking a deeper understanding of my disappointment. So I asked myself, "Why am I having such a visceral emotional response with this recent experience?".

The answer came to me in one word during meditation, 'Rejection'. I started an unconscious relationship with 'Rejection' during the very early stages of my childhood. The introductory event that would guide me towards 'Rejection' was my parent's divorce. The news of their separation was earth shattering to me as a child. I have a vivid memory of crying into my ice cream bowl as my mom told my sister and I the news. I was devastated.

Not too long after my parent's divorce, my dad re-married to a person from another state who had three children of her own. My sister and I were told that his new wife and her children would be moving to New York. That we would all be living together when we visited our dad on the weekends. This was an overwhelming amount of life altering news in a short amount of time.

As a child, I did not have any tools to process this life altering news. I didn't know how to communicate how hurt I was that my dad chose another family over my sister and I. This, I believe, is when 'Rejection' introduced itself to me fully. I became emotionally unavailable and withdrew from the world around me at a very young age.

As my life moved forward, 'Rejection' and the fear of being rejected became a normal way of life for me. I created the natural defense mechanism to withdraw or abandon life when I was faced with 'Rejection' or when I perceived it was on it's way. Since I didn't understand how to process the sadness and anger from the 'Rejection' I experienced as a child, I became more and more isolated in life. It became difficult for me to maintain relationships or friendships.

As a child, we look up to our parents. This includes being accepted and loved by them as they teach us how to accept, be worthy of and love ourselves. However, there are fair amount of people on this planet who grew up in similar households like me. Specifically, household's where the parents themselves weren't raised with the necessary tools to understand and teach self-acceptance, self-worth as well as self-love.

When I first heard others speak about self-acceptance, self-worth and self-love, I felt like I internally responded to these concepts like they were creatures from another planet. I heard the words as people spoke them, but I had no emotional response or understanding of what the heck they were talking about. How could I process emotional concepts that I didn't learn as a child? But that's what I needed to do, I needed to learn the emotional realities of self-acceptance, self-worth as well as self-love.

As I wrote that last section, I was reminded of a Zen story. It goes like this:

Once, there was a wise Zen master. People from near and far would seek his counsel and ask for his wisdom. Many would come and ask him to teach them, enlighten them in the way of Zen. He rarely turned any away.

One day, an important man, a man used to command and obedience came to visit the master. This man said, “I have come today to ask you to teach me about Zen. Open my mind to enlightenment.” The tone of the important man’s voice was one used to getting his own way.

The Zen master smiled and said that they should discuss the matter over a cup of tea. When the tea was served the master poured his visitor a cup. He poured and he poured and the tea rose to the rim and began to spill over the table and finally onto the robes of the wealthy man. Finally the visitor shouted, “Enough. You are spilling the tea all over. Can’t you see the cup is full?”

The master stopped pouring and smiled at his guest. The Master said, “You are like this tea cup, so full that nothing more can be added. Come back to me when the cup is empty. Come back to me with an empty mind.”

My tea cup has historically been full of sadness and anger from the 'Rejection' I felt as a child. These feelings then created the belief system within myself that I was not good enough. Being open to this historical illusion of mine, I had to make the conscious effort to empty my tea cup of the thought patterns, habits and belief systems that were created by the 'Rejection' that I held onto from my childhood.

The recent 'Rejection' I have felt from the companies I have submitted applications to has been a frustratingly beautiful gift from the Universe and my Guides. Even though I have worked through a great deal of the 'Rejection' and 'Abandonment' issues from my childhood, there is still more to excavate from my unconscious. As I continue to excavate sadness and anger from my being-ness, I become more self-empowered. I am starting to truly believe in myself. I am learning that I am not a Reject or Rejected by anyone. That the only person rejecting me, is myself. That I can replace 'Rejection' with love and therefore, I can love myself.

My experience with 'Rejection' became the spiritual prerequisite I needed to begin to live a life full of self-acceptance, self-worth, and most importantly, unconditional self-love. I welcome unconditional self-love into my life and into my heart.

Thanks for reading and enjoy your present moment!

Matt

https://www.planetphoenix.co/blog