March 2025 was a month of transformation. During that time, I felt a great amount of guilt rise within me. As I felt this emotion, I was reminded of troubled moments from my past that I was still attached to. My mind began to drown in these thoughts, in these past memories.
In my early to mid-twenties I was an alcoholic. By 26, my drinking became so severe that I would black out every weekend or holiday, lie on my couch, helpless and hopeless. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. This level of alcoholism, combined with deep-rooted emotional wounds, resulted in behavior that became immensely self-destructive and completely separate from my true self.
Intense shame manifested over the year or two when my drinking was at its worst, so I buried it instead of dealing with it. This was the traditional defense mechanism I utilized to avoid addressing my shame and taking responsibility for the actions that created it. Eventually, I got sober. I became an avid hiker. I bought a Jeep. I started a new job. I moved to Colorado.
My life was transformed when I became sober. However, this transformation did not erase the shame I carried within myself. Over time, much of it hardened into guilt, and I carried that guilt with me long after my life had changed. Looking back, much of my time in Colorado and later in New York became part of a much longer process of understanding and releasing that guilt.
Over the course of those 10 years, I had to confront my guilt. I had to track the guilt back to the moments of shame that created it. I needed to relive the moments when I mistreated other people, myself, and the world around me. I also needed to accept how guilt was used as a disciplinary tool and form of manipulation during my childhood by adults that I should have been able to trust. However, I couldn’t just think about guilt. I needed to release it from my life.
In March, my teacher provided guidance during one of our group discussions that resonated with me. The guidance was to surrender the self-imposed emotional crimes I carried from my past to my guides during meditation. This wasn’t a practice of my guides taking my guilt from me. They could help, but the work of releasing it had to be mine.
Forgiveness was the work I needed to do in order to release my guilt. Not forgiveness from someone I hurt, but self-forgiveness. I needed to open that door so that my guilt could walk through it. Receiving forgiveness from someone I hurt could be part of the healing process, but I came to understand that it wasn’t the key. I couldn’t depend on someone else to release me from the guilt I carried. Self-forgiveness became an act of compassion, not only for myself, but also for the people I had hurt.
I settled into my meditation. I visualized the memories of my past that I felt the most shame about. I relived them to hold myself accountable. I relived them to understand the pain I caused others. At the end of each memory I said:
“I’m sorry that I did this and caused you pain. I take responsibility for my actions. I forgive myself, and I release the guilt I have carried from this memory.”
By taking this approach, I was acknowledging that I was ready to let go. Am I completely healed now? No. But I do feel a considerable weight off my chest. It has also helped me acknowledge how hard I have been on myself because of the emotional burden I have carried in my life. Although my actions during my drinking days were awful, I am not an awful person.
I have come to appreciate what shame has taught me. I now have the opportunity to live with self-compassion because I experienced myself at such low points earlier in life. It’s time to live without guilt.
I deserve that.
Matt