This week I have been experiencing a deeper sense of stillness and peace during times of anxiety or restlessness. I find myself being guided towards shedding more levels of unconscious habits, thought patterns and belief systems. There is a significant integration occurring.
Here are a couple examples to help articulate what I mean:
First, my material life. As I’ve stated recently, I am out of work after moving to a new state. When I first arrived in Indiana, I did what I felt made sense to me, which was to find a job as fast as possible.
I began to apply EVERYWHERE. I was frantically updating my resumes and slinging job applications at anyone I could. Then I began to feel a familiar state of being: the desperation to survive by controlling my external environment and future outcomes.
Two months later, and still no job. Uh oh! Well, it’s not actually a bad thing.
I have come to the realization that I’m in a familiar place in life. At precisely this time last year, I was in the same situation from January through April. No money. No job. Debt collectors beginning to reach out to me.
With this realization I began to evaluate what I have been feeling in my present situation. Powerlessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness were the familiar unconscious companions that arose to the surface of my being.
I had to feel this and go deeper within myself.
I came to understand that I went through the difficult material situation last year so that I could navigate with more confidence and compassion this year. At times this year, it feels like my world is shaking within myself, but I can find peace in these moments if I choose to.
The reality is that in my present moment I am okay. I am lucky enough to have food, shelter, water, and clothes. I have made the efforts to find work. I am not a bad person or lazy. I’m just experiencing another major transition.
I thought a bit further. In April of last year a job came into my life through an experience. It wasn’t a job that I applied to online but a chance circumstance that I had with a fellow park-goer as we were walking our dogs. Remembering this provided me with a great deal of peace.
Now, I want to be transparent. This remembering I am writing about did bring me peace but it was after working through a lot of residual anger I was still resisting letting go of. At the time of writing this blog post, I feel more open to share it.
The lesson I gained from this most recent experience of unemployment is to trust in my guides and Consciousness more completely. It’s not easy but fighting this trust has only left me in a heightened state of illusory fear that I no longer want.
The second example I want to share with you in relation to the peace I am feeling is centered around polarity integration. Just today I found myself labeling a person, place, thing, or event as “good” or “bad”, “dark” or “light”. I was trying to reconcile stories in my mind regarding the current state of polarity within our human race.
I was humbled after morning meditation regarding the mirror our projected thoughts are. I was labeling people’s perspectives as polarized but in reality, I was subconsciously reminding myself to address my own polarized mind.
I needed a moment. This humbling moment of reflection regarding my own polarized belief systems hit my ego square in the face. I was also guided to look at myself and the transactional ways my mind works. For example:
“If I do this, then I can get THAT from this person.”
In addition to being open to my polarized ways, I am being guided to re-evaluate deeper aspects of my own inner-politician. By “inner politician,” I mean the part of me that tries to negotiate, manage, or maneuver life in order to feel safe.
Deep polarity and my inner-politician are difficult concepts to self-realize, but they are necessary. While thinking on these concepts, I met myself...along with my ego...with compassion. Peace began to wash over me. I remembered that I’m not a bad person. I grew up on the same planet as my fellow humans. But this is the part of me I am here to clean up.
So after all of this, what am I feeling now?
I am learning to trust the unknown, Consciousness and my guides without having to chase after my future. I am deconstructing self-judgment so that I can integrate concepts of polarity and survival-based self-protection with compassion.
Does it feel great? Well, integration is sometimes not a pretty process. The purging process is tough, but its reward is even greater. My reward is being able to return to the stillness within myself and not be consumed by habits, thought patterns, and belief systems rooted in powerlessness, hopelessness, and/or worthlessness.
That felt good to write out!
Thank you for reading and have a great present moment :)
Matt