“$2.81. That’s the total amount of money tied to my name as I began to write this series of episodes.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle when I read this as I began to edit these posts. I had an intuition that revisiting this content was divinely timed.
Based on my present moment, I could now update the opening line to read:
“-$14.72. That’s the total amount of money tied to my name as I began to write this series of episodes.”
Whoops. Negative balance. A familiar situation.
Furthermore, I recognized other key themes as I navigated the edits of these posts:
No income. No job. Difficulty finding work. Still living at home. Betrayal. Disrespect. Lack of Self-Worth. Self-Abandonment. Addiction. Depression.
These themes have come up quite often over the last few months as I navigate my life in my new home state. So why are these repeating negative patterns coming up in my life again?
Well, there is still a part of me that is attached to the unconscious belief system of worthlessness that brings forth these self-sabotaging habits and thought patterns which leaves me in a state of suffering, and distracts me from embracing my true-self.
This April and May have provided me the opportunity to feel my perception of worthlessness more deeply so it could finally be released. With this release I can choose to change my belief system into the conscious knowing and remembering of my self-worthiness.
How am I doing this? Gently and minimally.
For example, one day I found myself on the couch watching TV. Too much TV. It’s the easiest distraction for me. I was in a mental fog. I felt like a useless lump.
As I explored thoughts of self-deprecation, I had a parallel thought about running. For months I had been wanting to go for a run in my new neighborhood but I just couldn’t muster up the will power to do so.
The next day I was given the opportunity to buy a pair of running shoes. I knew at this moment I wouldn’t just purchase them, I would use them. I had to use them.
The day after purchasing the sneakers, I was home alone and found myself feeling down about my life. More specifically where my life was not going. I turned on the TV and started to fall back into distraction.
Then abruptly I decided to put my new sneakers on, walk up the driveway and straight to the sidewalk. No headphones, no smart phone, no smart watch…no distractions, just the intuition to pick a direction and run. My body was determined to have movement brought back into its life.
The next thing I know, I’m running. With each step I felt my negative thoughts melt from my mind. I became clear. Towards the end of the run I realized that I had not been on a run like this in almost a decade.
Bringing this physical exercise back into my life was the gentle solution I needed. It provided me clarity across my mind, body and soul. It reminded me that the negative thought patterns I was experiencing while sitting on the couch were illusory and only had power over me if I allowed them to.
Running became the catalyst that helped me bridge the metaphorical gap between myself and my meditation practice. By revisiting my inner-world during meditation, I have been able to accept and integrate my false belief system of worthlessness a bit more.
Specifically, how exhausted I am to allow this belief system to block me from empowering myself with confidence. By holding onto worthlessness I have, again, stunted the flow of abundance that Consciousness wants to provide me.
I can only receive this abundance if I sacrifice what no longer serves me. I have to release my attachment to worthlessness, I have to release my perception of needing love and validation from external people, I have to release the illusion that I am not capable. I have to release my material addictions.
And at times when my stillness, or spiritual zero point, is being compromised, I have to go back within and remember that distractions will occur. It’s just part of this human experience.
I also have to grant myself the grace and compassion to acknowledge that I spent most of my life feeling worthless, as well as powerless, and that unconscious belief system takes time to deconstruct.
So here I am, being creative again during a difficult period in my life. Being constructive with myself rather than the familiar destructive patterns that I am used to.
Revisiting this series of episodes from my podcast has helped me accept a great deal. Most notably that I am going through yet another significant Phoenix cycle.
It’s not easy but as I have experienced time and time before, I would not be presented with these challenges if I didn’t have the ability to move through them and become more.
I have a strengthened faith regarding the support in my life. By people that care about me. By people who have also been down this part of the path.
I am not alone, ever….and neither are you.
I think that’s a good place to end this series of posts. It has been such a gift to see my journey, reflect and apply it to my present moment. I look forward to sharing more in the near future.
Thanks for reading and have a great present moment!
Matt