New Year’s Day has always been one of my favorite holidays. I see this day as an opportunity to set the tone for the rest of the year.
Typically, this day has been quiet in every town that I have lived in. Starting the new year with ease and stillness in the neighborhood is a beautiful thing.
2022 felt more promising than any other year in my life. Primarily because I was living my life without the pressures of a day job. I consciously decided to make no plans for 2022. I was simply going to see where the flow of life took me and figure it out as I went.
By the end of the winter, I decided to take down my podcast, Station 19. I felt deep insecurities of judgement and shame with the content I shared. Due to this, my isolation continued to spiral.
This was necessary as this spiral led me closer to my unconscious self, where my deepest traumas took residence. However, I had an understanding while I was balancing my insecurities.
The understanding was that the topics I was sharing were highly polarizing. Spiritual experiences, UFOs and the supernatural are still taboo to most of our planetary civilization.
I wanted to be validated for my work but I couldn’t because of the polarization of these topics and some of my perspectives weren’t based in reality. For example, conspiracy theories. More on that shortly.
Around the time I took down my podcast, I was also approaching another life changing decision in my life. This decision was centered around my addiction to recreational marijuana.
I am no stranger to addiction and have released a number of vices throughout my life. I knew the signs of needing to let go of this vice.
Some of the research I was into plus my heavy usage of recreational marijuana was a bad combination for my life. My foggy and confused mind was easily susceptible to irrational versions of conspiracy theories.
The challenge I was now faced with was to accept that my marijuana usage prevented me from going deeper into healing my traumas and focusing on my spiritual development.
Then one day in March of 2022, I drove to my to local dispensary. I convinced myself, while knowing that I was convincing myself, that I deserved to buy some marijuana infused gummies.
I purchased what I convinced myself was a “treat” and headed home. Before I took part in the gummies, I decided to make sure Joy had some park time as I would be mentally unavailable to her later that evening.
Note: It broke my heart to write that sentence but it’s sadly true.
Once Joy and I were back in the apartment, I began getting myself ready for the marijuana experience. I took the container of gummies, broke the seal and then froze.
I stared into that container for about 20 minutes. I identified that my uncertainty to have a gummy was my answer to what next step I needed to take.
Nonetheless, I still tried to convince myself that I “deserved” to have the gummies. 30 minutes passed. 45 minutes passed. I’m still holding the container, deciding whether or not I’m going to have them.
This indecision is a conflict between my ego and my intuition. Egoicly, I want to be comfortable and I’ll tell myself stories to justify that comfort. Intuitionally, I know that I need to move on from this habit in order to become more.
During this moment of indecision, clarity arrived and I allowed my intuition to drive. I walked into my bathroom, lifted the toilet seat, dumped the gummies into the toilet and then flushed them away.
I just freed myself from suffering. I then took Joy to the park again because that’s what we both deserved.
Letting go of marijuana was an incredible milestone to achieve only three months into the new year. I can absolutely say that my quantum hypnosis sessions contributed to this release so that I was set up for success regarding what was to come throughout this year.
As the weeks passed from March into April, my head became more clear. A big weight had been lifted. I was grateful to see and feel with more clarity.
Also, April is my birthday month. Traditionally, I have always been very simple with my birthday. Parties and tons of material presents aren’t my thing. For this birthday, my mom sent me a card.
Within the card my mom wrote, “You can always come home”.
I held onto that in my mind and heart even though my ego was still convinced that I would never go back home to New York.
Also for my birthday, I received a gift from the management company of my apartment building. My rent was now going up $450 a month.
My mom’s birthday card and this rent increase solidified that I would be moving out by the end of my lease. Both of these events occurred so that I could start the process of saying “so long” to Colorado.
May and June were months that I took advantage of traveling around Colorado. Revisiting where I adopted Joy, savoring every beautiful moment at the horse rescue that changed my life, visiting some of my favorite mountains, eating some of my favorite breakfast burritos and overall, providing gratitude for the 6 years I had in Colorado.
June of 2022. It was a great month of travel. I went to New Mexico to visit a national park named Chaco Canyon.
Unfortunately, June was also difficult. The combination of decades worth of trauma, heavy marijuana usage and conspiracy theories left some serious damage.
That damage included that I was convinced I was being followed by helicopters and “agents” of various types. I had this feeling consciously because I felt that the research I was doing went against an agenda of people who “control” the world.
My paranoia bled deep into my mind and contributed to my world view being severely compromised. I began to distrust people I knew in Colorado for years, I believed my phone was being tapped and that infrastructure related projects were most likely clandestine operations. I wondered if someone was out to get me or if Joy was safe.
My mind being freed of marijuana led to a significant increase in these types of thoughts. Not because I was becoming mentally unstable, but because these types of thoughts started the process of purging from my mental, emotional and spiritual systems.
It needed to get worse before it got better.
That being said, this state of paranoia persisted as 2022 continued. By July of 2022, I was reaching the end of my lease. Before my lease was up, I had one more conference to attend in Mount Shasta, California. Joy and I hit the road and we were able to embark on a journey that I will remember for the rest of my life.
For this trip, I had to focus on fun. The paranoid thoughts in my mind were stories I created and not supported by actual fact. If I were truly in danger then something would have happened to me already. This wasn’t the greatest positioning to have in my mind but it allowed me to enter a space of safety so that I can enjoy this trip with Joy.
We drove through Colorado then Wyoming then Utah then Nevada and made it to beautiful northern California. I was in awe of the road trip the entire time. I would pull over and just enjoy the view of whatever state we were in. Joy and I would run along the rivers. I’d have the windows down in the Jeep and we both would have our heads out the windows.
We’d visit small towns just because we could. It’s safe to say, Joy and I know how to road trip. Paranoia wasn’t getting in my way this week, I was focused on having an adventure.
On the return trip from California to Colorado, Joy and I took part in the same lifestyle..one of adventure. I knew I needed to soak it in and be present because once I was back in Colorado, I’d be back on the road only two weeks later.
Another key aspect of 2022 for me was the physical letting go of my material life. I was purging it throughout 2021 and 2022. It was a literal and metaphorical process.
I was letting go of items that tied me to my past. As I did, I would look at a material item, thank it for its time in my life and then release it. I felt honored by releasing my material life in this way.
By the third week of July, 90% of my material life was completely gone.
My apartment was empty. I had a number of storage containers that would make the trip with Joy and I. As the summer of 2022 progressed, I would also let go of the items in these containers.
The third week of July was a week sooner than I needed to leave my apartment. My paranoia was creeping in hard and I felt that it was urgent that I leave Colorado as fast as possible.
Before leaving, I canceled my last therapist appointment, left the horse rescue without properly saying goodbye and released the last few items of my material life. Then I picked East as the direction I was going to drive in and I hit the road.
I just drove for hours. Listening to music, thinking about life and enjoying the view. The first state line I crossed on the journey back East was from Colorado into Kansas. I enjoy driving through Kansas. It’s straight, simple and has some beautiful small towns to visit.
For the remaining weeks of July, I would drive through Kansas as well as a fair amount of the mid-west. I kept in contact with my family. I knew that they were worried so I didn’t want to leave them hanging but I also knew I needed to live this lifestyle even if I didn’t know why.
I spent all of August in North Carolina. I drove to the Outer Banks and then back west within the state. I was all over that state just following my intuition and the synchronicities that were presented to me. By the last week of August I was guided to Raleigh, North Carolina.
Landing in Raleigh was a culture shock as I hadn’t been in an East coast environment for quite some time. The east coast has its own energy to it. It’s very different then the western states and it can be a shock to the energetic system without being eased back into it.
Ultimately, I came to understand that Raleigh was my introduction back into the fast-paced world of the east coast. It would give me the grounding I needed to go back home to New York. As I traveled up the coast, I tried convincing myself that I would only be staying at my mom’s place for no more than two or three weeks.
I knew deep down I wasn’t going anywhere. New York was my destination. My childhood home was the location I needed to be in order to begin a profound two year process of healing trauma.
When I finally arrived at my childhood home, I was exhausted from being on the road. I was also exhausted emotionally. I started to do the rounds to meet with old family and friends who I haven’t seen in some time.
I remained reserved with sharing the depths of my experience with others. I couldn’t explain to most people that I thought I was being followed. But I could share the good experiences. The inspiration and hope I felt by letting go of the pressures of a material life, the healing that had transpired to date and the freedom I felt by allowing myself to be vulnerable with others.
My mind was having challenges but it didn’t quiet my heart. My heart has always been strong and even stronger when I need it the most.
In September of 2022, I ended up mentioning to a number of family members that I was likely being monitored by “agencies” because of the information I “uncovered”. This was important for me to share out loud.
I was met with unconditional love by my family members. They held a space of compassionate concern while not shattering my perceived reality. It was a fragile balance that they handled with grace.
This moment also allowed me to start the process of deconstructing my paranoid mental prison.
October of 2022, another flashpoint. A really hard, yet necessary, flashpoint. During this month I was scheduled to go down to Florida for a conference. This particular conference was one that I was looking forward to as it would include key speakers that I wanted to experience in person for some time.
I invited my mom to come down to Florida with Joy and I. I figured it would be nice to go to Florida as a mother and son. My mom took a plane, Joy and I naturally took a road trip in my Jeep.
Now in Florida, I was gearing up for the conference. My paranoia now felt empowered because I was going to attend a conference that included like minded individuals.
However, my guides had a different agenda for me during this trip.
During the first day of the conference, I felt out of place. Even though fellow audience members were kind and the event staff were professional, I just felt uncomfortable.
By Day 2, I became mentally exhausted. So far I have listened to the same narratives regarding UFOs, Extraterrestrials and Government Cover-Ups that I’ve heard on repeat for about three years.
My mental exhaustion turned into emotional anger.
My anger began to spill over. I realized that I spent the remainder of my savings on gas, food, a vacation rental and tickets for this conference just to hear the same number of narratives slightly edited for the purposes of this conference.
I was distraught.
Up until this point I had been letting go of a number of speakers, researchers and experiencers. I remember believing this process of letting go was because these individuals were somehow “corrupt”.
Again, paranoia can rationalize almost anything in a troubled and wounded mind. Looking back, were these people corrupt? Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. Quite frankly, it doesn’t actually matter.
There was a purpose to what I was experiencing, that’s the only aspect of this experience that mattered. I was being guided to let go of the research project that I started in 2019 so that I can move into a deeper phase of healing.
In order to move into this new phase of healing, I had to let go of my attachment to all speakers, researchers and experiencers so that I can find my truth within.
As I left Florida, I left a world of conspiracy behind me. What was ahead of me was opportunity. An opportunity to find the teachers of our world who could help me learn the tools to heal myself.
This process would take time but it was exactly where I needed to go.
During my highest point of paranoia in my life, I surrendered myself to external sources and people to explain why I felt the way I did. By releasing my attachment to these external sources, and their narratives, I took back my power so that I can look within to heal my traumas.
I began to ask new questions, such as:
Why was it so easy to convince myself I was being followed by clandestine agencies?
Why did I need to blame them for the trauma I experienced in my life?
Why do I feel like such an outsider to the people around me?
Why do I feel rejected by people around me?
Why do I not have confidence in my skills and abilities?
What occurred in my life that led me to ask all of these questions and to feel all of the questions?
2022 was rough, yet liberating. Heart breaking, yet filled with love.
I was exhausted.
Both November and December were quiet. I know that was intentional by my guides. I needed the rest and I can definitely say that I earned it.
In Chapter 3 of ‘My Phoenix Story’, I will share how ‘Betrayal’ and ‘Disrespect’ came back into my life. They would appear again not as enemies, but as teachers.
Thanks for reading and have a great present moment!
Matt